The Fear of Yourself
by AngelD0418
Summary: A small tag to Everybody Loves A Clown. Little sister is in there, but it revolves around Dean. AU.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Lucy is mine, nothing else is.

Author's Note: Set during and after the last scene of Everybody Loves A Clown. Basically I added in my little character, Lucy (5 years old again because its just so darn cute). I'm not really sure where this little thing came from and was written mostly for myself to get this little thought out of my head. I know ELAC was a little while ago, but there are so many different things you can do with this episode. This is from Dean's POV. Happy reading!

He beat the trunk of his beloved car with every ounce in him. He had once thought that this machine was what he treasured most.

How wrong he had been.

The dents became more and more numerous, and he wished he could stop himself, but the hits kept coming.

It felt like his life.

It was one bad thing after another. His mother, his father's grief over his lost wife, his brother's desertion, and now…

Sam didn't get it. As much as he loved his baby brother, he knew Sam just didn't understand, and couldn't, as long as he held this secret. He had his own grief to deal with, and his grief was much different than Dean's. This was the first time in his life Dean didn't feel like he could connect with Sam.

And that scared him more than he'd like to admit.

Dean knew he was being selfish. He wasn't considering how his siblings were dealing. The hole was just so deep.

He tried so hard to get rid of the anger and the hurt by hurting something else. But, after he had exhausted himself and dropped the crowbar, he realized that the feeling was still there.

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw something pink. He turned to see Lucy, in her cheery, bright pink t-shirt, standing next to a pile of rusted old car pieces, watching Dean. He wondered how long she had been there, although he had a feeling she had been there for a while.

She didn't move and she didn't speak. The bottom of her ponytail fluttered in the breeze, but beyond that there was no movement from either of them.

Her face betrayed no emotion, but Dean could see fear in her eyes. Fear of her big brother's breakdown. The fear that she was losing someone else.

Dean was surprised that the 5 year old didn't cry. But then again, she had grown up in the Winchester household, where those kinds of emotions were frowned upon, even from children.

Dean wished she would cry. It seemed like the correct emotion.

She shouldn't have been afraid of him.

"Lucy," he finally said quietly, almost questioningly. That one word seemed to pull Lucy back to the real world as she suddenly turned and walked away. Dean watched her until he couldn't see her anymore.

He realized that she had every right to be afraid of him.

He was afraid of himself.

* * *

A/N (part 2) I'm attempting to write this little part from Sam's POV too. Should I finish it? 


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: Lucy is still mine. Sam and Dean are still not.

Author's Note: Sorry it took so long. Finals and spring break and such. Happy reading!

* * *

"I'll let you get back to work."

That was the last thing Sam wanted to do. None of them were holding it together well, least of all Dean. And it was obvious to him, as much as his older brother tried to hide it. But for now, he would do what he had to.

He walked away from his brother and around the corner to a bench leaning against the garage. Sinking down, he drew in a deep breath and let it out slowly, trying to quell the tears forming in his eyes.

The sound of breaking glass startled Sam.

There was silence for a moment.

Then came the sound of metal on metal. Sam couldn't figure out why, but he had a feeling that these sounds were almost a good thing. They continued for a few minutes, before he heard the clatter of something metal being dropped to the ground.

Then there was silence again.

Sam, once again, waited. He debated going towards the source of the noise.

Just as he was about to stand up, Lucy came around the corner. Her head was bowed and she was trying hard to kick up the dust beneath her feet.

Sam tried to catch her eye, but she refused to look up.

"Dean hurt the car," she said so quietly that Sam barely caught it. It was as he suspected. Dean was taking his frustration out on the already beaten car. In a way, Sam was almost relieved to hear this. At least it was something.

When Lucy finally looked up, Sam could see that what she had seen her hero, her older brother, doing had shocked and scared her.

Lucy walked over to the bench, climbed up, and sat in Sam's lap, wrapping her arms tightly around his neck. She let out a small tremor once, and then was still.

Sam held on just as tightly. He was trying to hold his family and himself together.

* * *

Author's Note 2: I'm considering writing this from Lucy's POV too, but I'm not sure I can and I don't want to do it badly. Should I attempt? 


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: Lucy is mine. Sam and Dean are not.

Author's Note: I think this is the last chapter, unless I get a really good idea to continue the story with. Happy reading!

Chapter 3: Lucy

It was hot and she just wanted to go inside. Or maybe go swimming. Lucy could remember a time when her brother took her swimming. She loved the sand and the beach and the sound of the birds flying over the ocean. Swimming made both her and Dean smile during the bad times.

But there were no beaches or oceans or birds. There was only dust and broken cars.

And her brothers.

Lucy didn't quite understand what was going on. Something had been wrong with Sam and Dean since their Daddy had gone away again.

They were both different now. Sam wanted to hunt things. Dean didn't. Dean yelled at Sam a lot. Sometimes he yelled at Lucy too. He would always say he was sorry right after, but it was still scary.

Sam and Dean were having a talk again while Dean was trying to fix the car. Lucy sat in the dirt, drawing shapes with her fingers. The talking stopped and she felt Sam tug on her shirt. She stood up and began to follow him to the other side of the broken car piles.

Then she remembered that she wanted to go swimming. She turned back to ask Dean if he would take her.

Lucy found her brother standing still in front of the trunk of the car. She was about to call his name when she saw him bend down and pick up a tool.

She watched him spin it around in his hands once, and then stand still again.

Lucy nearly cried out when he suddenly turned to a different broken car and smashed the window. She backed up a bit until something metal poked her in the back. She wanted to run away and go find Sam, but she couldn't.

Dean turned around and went back to the trunk of their car. He breathed deep and hit the car once. Then twice. He hit it so many times. She couldn't count that high. Dean hadn't taught her the big numbers yet.

He started to make noises, almost like he wanted to scream but couldn't get it out of his mouth. The beating went on for what seemed like forever. Then, it was over almost as fast as it had started. Dean dropped the tool to the ground, the noise almost as loud as the blows to the trunk had been. He caught himself before he fell too.

Lucy thought that this would be a good time to go find Sam, but she still couldn't seem to make her feet move.

Finally, Dean turned and saw Lucy watching. His face looked strange to her. She had never seen that look before.

He looked afraid.

"Lucy," he said quietly. She suddenly found the ability to move and walked away from her scary older brother. She went to where she had seen Sam go. Her eyes were on the ground, watching the dust she was kicking fly up in to the air.

Sam's shoes came into her view. Without even thinking, she climbed in to his lap and wrapped her arms around his neck. She felt him hold her back. Normally this helped, but not today.

They weren't going swimming anytime soon.


End file.
